I’d never heard of the Hoffman Process and I hadn’t intended to do it myself. Initially, this was all about my daughter Kathryn. If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be writing this.
I married my late husband John in 1989 and our only child Kathryn was born 11 years later in 2000. We were a tight little unit, so much so that she didn’t like to be away from us. She wouldn’t even do sleepovers at friends’ houses or school trips until she was a teenager. In 2016 John was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The treatment initially worked and he went into remission but it later returned. Kathryn had to say goodbye to her beloved dad the day before she started university, where she was studying art. He died the following day, on the first day of term. She (understandably) couldn’t settle in that first year, and having just turned 19, she decided to give up her course and go to Canada as a volunteer.
For the next few years, Kathryn travelled around the world, coming home between trips. Every new country helped her grow and grieve. Each time she returned however, she would revert to her childlike self and struggled with deep feelings of sadness – something she knew well. A history of depression had begun in her teenage years when she had to have two major back operations to correct severe scoliosis, or curvature of the spine. She was offered a variety of six week courses of counselling over those years, but it didn’t make much difference. She was also prescribed anti-depressants which she’d been on for years before she weaned herself off them in 2023. During her trip home in September of that year, she came into my room in the early hours – clearly very upset. I was so desperately worried about her mental state that night. I felt completely helpless. The very next morning, I came across an article in the Times Magazine by the actor Naomie Harris. It said that she had scoliosis as a teenager and she mentioned how doing the Hoffman Process had really helped her. I suggested to Kathryn that she check it out and, after a number of conversations with the Hoffman team, she went on the Process in 2023 aged 23, which I understand is at the younger end of the spectrum.
When I dropped her off at the venue, knowing that I could have no contact with her – apart from an emergency number – I was really anxious. I wondered if she was really ready or if the course would re-traumatise her and how would she manage without her phone if she needed me? Of course I realise now that was all ‘my stuff’ and I needn’t have worried. Far from being re-traumatised, Kathryn emerged on the final day in an incredibly calm state.
Lorraine and daughter Kathryn
Initially she didn’t want to talk about the course but the next day she gently asked me about my relationship with my own mum – something we’d never discussed before. Both my parents died in their 50s, so Kathryn never knew them. My mother killed herself when she was 51. She was quiet and shy and suffered from social anxiety, so was often a wallflower at social events. As a child I was constantly worrying about her and without realising it, I saw myself as her rescuer. As I was telling Kathryn about my relationship with my mum, I suddenly saw how my mother had transferred her anxious behaviour to me and how in my turn I’d passed it on to Kathryn. I realised that I’d filled Kathryn with my anxieties and my habit of catastrophising. This anxious soundtrack had played out over generations. Kathryn explained to me that by completing the Process pre-course work she saw how many patterns she shared with me. The longer we talked, the more I realised that I needed to do the Process myself.
My own story began as the youngest of a family of four, born to Irish Catholic parents who arrived in the UK with very little. We lived on a notorious council estate in Coventry until I was 9 years old. As children we had no expectations placed on us and amazingly 3 out of the 4 of us went to University.
I was definitely the ‘baby’ of the family – a role I later worked with on the Process. The mysticism, wonder and mystery of Catholicism coloured my childhood. I was a sensitive child, anxious and fearful and prone to panic attacks. I remember that aged five, I would recite the Hail Mary to calm myself down.
Luckily in senior school and university I discovered a love of drama and I gained in self-confidence. I realise now that assuming roles was a pattern that I easily fell into. I started my first ‘proper job’ in my 20s and, each time I moved to the next job I’d step into a new role – always wanting to fulfil that role to the absolute best of my ability.
My inner drive was always to find out what made me tick and I was equally interested to know that about others too. To this end I did several retreats in the years that followed to learn more about the Enneagram – an ancient system of personality typing that had long interested me. When I signed up to do the Process in 2024 I was encouraged to see from the Hoffman website that Bob Hoffman had used the Enneagram to guide the Process. I knew as a Type Nine that getting a clear sense of myself was really important. I could see that I’d played roles all my life because I had so little sense of who I was. I don’t think that it was any coincidence that I finally signed up to the course at a point when I’d moved house, then retired, (so no work role) a widow, (so no wife role) and with Kathryn travelling again, a less hands-on mother role. It was definitely time to release my lifelong roles of ‘worried mother’ and ‘baby of the family’. I knew I didn’t want to leave this Earth without a clear sense of my own identity and I hoped the Process would help.
So, did it work? Well, since the Process I’ve had much more open conversations with my siblings and I’ve shed my ‘baby’ role to some extent – moving to a much more equal footing with them. Four months after the Process ,my eldest brother had a stroke. With a new-found understanding of the ‘rescuer’ role that I could see I’d played out in the past – not just with my mum but also at times with other family members and friends – I was able to accept the need to share the caring responsibilities with my other siblings and my brother’s family.
Another result of the Process – and one that completely surprised me – was its focus on spirituality. As a ‘recovering Catholic’ I felt certain there was a higher power but I’d been brought up to believe that it was outside of me; yet on the course I found it was actually within me. Ironically I’d been on so many retreats trying to find a connection to spirit and there it was on the Process! Because the course is so grounded, I didn’t feel it in any ‘airy fairy’ sense, but in a very embodied way. In fact now I have a much better relationship with my body and do far more activities to stay in connection with it, such as 5 Rhythms dance and breathwork. I’ve meditated since I was in my early 20s but it never really worked until now. Discovering breathwork has enabled me to meditate much more effectively.
I know that whatever happens in life, experiences can move us to change if we allow it. That night of despair for Kathryn led to her doing the Process and that eventually took me there too. It’s helped me to shine a light of awareness on my negative patterns and behaviours and to see that I don’t have to be ruled by them.
When I returned home from the Process, I had a number of people in my village curious to know more. This not only led to some profound and honest conversations, but they have really deepened some newly-budding friendships and strengthened community connections.
Kathryn creating wall art
Since the Process, Kathryn and I have had conversations that continue to amaze me, given that she’s just turned 24. Only this morning, we had a very lively phone call which had us laughing out loud as I shared with her an ‘anxious Mum’ moment. We were best friends before the Process but she really is my greatest teacher and I’m so pleased to report that she’s living her life to the full, creating her art around the world and is currently painting in a crocodile reservation in Zambia!
As for me, I’m less focused on finding out who I am these days and more intrigued with who I am not, thus getting closer to my true self. Discovering my authentic self was the first aim that I wrote in my Process workbook on day one of the course and I realised on my return home that this requires daily examination. Believe me it’s so liberating to know that I don’t have to be at the mercy of my unconscious behaviours. I have so much more compassion towards others and particularly to myself.
I thought the Process was all about my daughter. It isn’t and it isn’t even just about me. For my part I realised how interconnected my behaviours and patterns are with my own parents, my grandparents and my siblings. I can also see now how this has clearly impacted on my working relationships and friendships too. From my daughter’s perspective, her willingness to embark on this journey and her on-going awareness of her patterns means that she has a real chance of addressing some of those negative behaviours that have seeped down through the generations.
So if you’re reading this and you think that there is someone in your family who could benefit from the Process, please find out more – but don’t be surprised if it’s you who needs to go on it too!
With thanks to Kathryn Barfoot for approving the text and giving permission to share her story too. Browse Kathryn’s beautiful art work here: @artbykathers
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