Family break ups can be a great trigger for toxic, self-destructive behaviour patterns; I’m sure some of you can relate.
I was born and bred in a small village on the outskirts of Derby UK, caught up in the middle of a blended family consisting of four sisters and a brother – a consequence of my parents divorcing when I was nine years old. My parents’ relationship disintegrated which ended in my mum leaving my dad. So for a while my little sister and I lived with my mum rather nomadically in various places until we settled somewhere close to my dad, so he was never far away.
I know there’s no manual for parenting and I know both mum and dad always loved me but they had their own stressors which, let’s say, hindered their ability to provide a stable foundation for raising me. Now, I held that grudge for a long time and certainly blamed them for my problems and imperfections, but the Hoffman Process helped me move into a more empathic approach, helping me to face my fears and conquer my irrationalities.
When I turned 14 I began sweeping in a local barbershop for some pocket money – £30 a week was a cracking wage! Now it didn’t go very far, after buying some cigarettes and a little bit of weed there wasn’t much left. This is where the destructive addictions became apparent. There’s a silver lining though, I discovered the beauty and art of what’s called ‘cutting hair’ – I was fascinated by it and had a great hunger to learn and perfect the craft.
Hence why my ‘A’ levels only lasted 3 months, because I had no interest in school! How mundane… That’s when I decided to do an apprenticeship in barbering and I’ve never looked back. I must say it was the single best decision I ever made.
When I got into smoking ‘the devil’s lettuce’, I always knew I needed to stop, however I made sure I mentally hit rock bottom before I did; I’ve always liked a challenge.
One night I ran out of smoke around 2:30am and it was just me and my own thoughts circulating in my head, driving me insane. I needed to reach out to somebody – anybody! I have a fantastic cousin who lives in Los Angeles (who are about 7 hours behind us in the UK) so I gave her a call, a plea for help. What do I do now – I’m at my wits’ end? She had already done the Hoffman Process therefore she had some connections. She put me in touch with a lady called Mairi, a Hoffman facilitator, for counselling. She became the rock in my life when I needed one the most.
Mairi gave me insight into how addictions work and how to live life as an addict as positively and constructively as possible. She brought light to how I’d tell myself I’m in control of my using habits – what bullshit that was! I had to let go of that idea and give myself up to ‘blind faith!’ Mairi persuaded me to try Narcotics Anonymous, after a few sessions of that I knew I was ready for a more immersive experience – the Hoffman Process.
So one Wednesday evening I beat the cravings to smoke and escape from that familiar inner dark side. I began my road to recovery in the planes of sobriety. It was tough, but with the money I saved by not using I bought my dream car: a BMW e93 330d. Cost a bit more than a 10 bag – but oh man, I love this car. I also acquired the headspace I needed to begin facing up to the things that were holding me back. Therapy became more frequent and I found enjoyment in meditation. Eventually, I signed up for the Process
When I was contacted and told there was a space it was a whirlwind of emotions: nervousness, excitement and anticipation, to name a few. My cousin never really spoke too much about what happened on the Process which I thought was weird, but once I got to the course the lack of ‘spoilers’ all made sense. Some days I thought: ‘this is incredible!’ and others ‘what the hell are we doing and why am I here?’ It was a rollercoaster ride and on board with me were some amazing people.
There’s a screening process with Hoffman and they match you with an appropriate facilitator. I had a fantastic woman who always helped me pull through at key moments during the activities when I struggled to connect or hit resistance.
At 23 years old, I was the youngest on my course by a stretch. What was comforting about getting to know some of the older participants is that they wished they had done this work a lot earlier in their life and to me that showed I’m on the right track. They’d been carrying their patterns around for so long, putting trauma on top of trauma. I felt moved that they had been suffering like that for over half their life. I felt lucky to have done it so young and I honestly wish everyone could experience what we did doing the Process.
When the Process ended and we went back to our ordinary lives, I had a relaxed aura. I remember marvelling at the angry drivers on the roads while I felt serene and zen. As life proceeded, deadlines began to come in and life can rub me up the wrong way – but deep inside I’m not as reactive and I’ve the tools now to navigate confidently through life. I know my values and priorities, I’ve a new perspective and I stay in my lane with the things that are important to me. We’re all big kids just trying to figure things out, who cares what others think?!
Something I learned from the Process is kindness; be as kind to yourself as you’d be to others. It’s easy to be self critical and I’d beat myself to a pulp with my negative thoughts and self talk, always convincing myself of inadequacy, but now I find it much easier to recognise and change that into something constructive rather than destructive. Inferiority is one of my toxic traits but I now believe I’m a perfect work in progress, always striving to better myself day by day.
I’m now over two years sober equipped with tools from the Process and I must say life has improved dramatically: My relationship with my girlfriend is solid and a great foundation for growth and I have a playful and rewarding relationship with both my parents.
Finally, at the end of the Process we discuss where we see ourselves in the future. Since I was 17, my dream has been to open my own barber’s shop and be a successful business owner. Well, guess what? I’ve only gone and opened ‘Construct Barber Studio’ in my home village! I’m so happy and very grateful my visions have become my reality!
Visit Joe’s Studio here, or see him in action on Instagram: instagram.com/constructbarberstudio/
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